This story was shared at St Barnabas’ Women’s Day, Clothed with Joy, on 8th November 2008

Last year I had not planned to come to the Women’s Day, but a friend persuaded me because she did not want to come on her own – so God used her to get me here in the first place. When it was time to divide into seminars, my friend wanted to go to the one on nutrition, but I didn’t. I didn’t know which one I wanted to go to.

Someone else I knew was sitting behind me; she asked me which seminar I was going to. I said I didn’t know. She then asked if I would go with her to the one in the Parish Hall. I had no idea what the theme of the seminar was. So God got me to the seminar he wanted me to attend, and that’s how the process began.

I don’t want you to think badly about my parents, because they were not bad people. You see it was a bit like when you want something so very much: you’ve seen the parcel under the Christmas tree, it looks the right shape, the day comes to find out what’s inside but when you open it your heart sinks. It’s similar to what you wanted but it’s not the one you wanted. That was me. I was born in 1945; my father had lost two brothers in the war and my parents already had two girls. They were longing for a son. I was a huge disappointment. In fact, when I was a child my father told me that if they had known I would be a girl they would not have had me.

Not even my name was chosen for me: my parents had chosen a boy’s name and just switched it to the feminine version.

My parents would have said I was a difficult child, wilful and very disobedient. In reality I was a very confused child and did not understand why I was continually punished when I thought I had done as I was told. It was a similar story throughout school. What no-one realised was that I had a hearing difficulty.

I soon began to understand that there was one set of rules for my sisters and another for me; I was not treated the same. I grew up feeling very unwanted. I often cried myself to sleep at night, wishing I were dead and asking God that I would not wake up in the morning.

In my twenties I met and married my lovely husband. His upbringing was totally different to mine. He had two older sisters and was the boy everyone wanted, so he has found it hard to understand my story and has often been hurt. He would say to me, ‘I love you more than anything in the world and you have lived with me far longer than you lived with your parents. Put your past behind me and forget about it.’ He did not understand that in order to survive you sort of stuff everything away and it becomes a deep-seated hurt that affects everything in your life.

At that seminar at last year’s women’s day, I heard testimonies from other women who had found healing for past hurts. The lid finally came off the feelings I had stuffed away and I could no longer ignore them. In January of this year I began attending an Oasis group at St Barnabas with two other women. It was not an easy time; in fact at one point I thought I would not be able to continue as it was becoming ever more painful. The more I remembered, the more ‘stuff’ kept coming up. It was a bit like a Roman candle firework - once you light it, small sparks come out, then there is a pause, and one or more stars come out accompanied by a bang, then more small stars and so on. All these things that had happened to me had to be faced again and given to God.
God has given me some very special verses from the Bible while I have been on this journey. I just want to share some of them with you.

One day I was reading Ephesians 1:13 –

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation…

and the words ‘you also were included’ suddenly leapt out of the page

Another one is Psalm 139 which is about God knowing all about us, especially verse 13:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

It made me realise that I was born who I am because that’s how God wanted me to be.

Another one is in Isaiah 43:18-19,

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

With the help and prayers of people on the Oasis team as well as friends, God has healed me and freed me from all the past pain. In fact when I realised the pain had gone I looked for it but could not find it. Instead I have a joy and happiness bubbling up inside me that I never thought would be possible.

Although my name was not chosen for me I believe it is the name God wanted for me. It means ‘peace’ – and I am now living my name. I have peace and like the title of today’s Women’s Day I am clothed with joy.